The benefits of brilliance
Okay, I know you want your kiddo to be smart, get good grades, and achieve lots of academic success. It’s wonderful to see that ‘A’ on the report card, and it makes you feel proud and encouraged for your child’s future.
Smart = Wise?
We want our kids to be smart, but does that mean they'll be wise too? If a child gets good grades, will they also make good decisions in their life? That’s a tough one. Research has shown that smart people tend to be happier and more successful. However, is it always a sure bet that they’re wiser? I think we know that there are lots of smart people in jail. As a psychologist, I also know that there are lots of smart people who are not especially happy. I also know that there a lot of less-than-brilliant people who are very happy, and not in jail. Smart doesn't equal wise.
The Wisdom Factor?
So what the different between being smart and being wise. Smart people may have a high IQ, but wise people make good decisions. They know when to say no. That begs the question: what are “good decisions?” It could be said that ‘good decisions’ are those choices that keep us out of trouble, help and bring us closer to others, and benefit our lives and the lives of others. The more we do such things, the happier and more content we'll be.
Where does wisdom come from?
We can read from the book of Proverbs, the “manual for living”, that God cherishes wisdom much more than smarts and such has since helped to “keep us from making wrong turns or following the bad direction.” Am I saying that wisdom comes from our relationship with God; well, yea, I am. How else do we learn right from wrong and stay strong to do what’s right?
Where does that leave our kids?
Okay, back to where we started; you want your child to be smart and earn good grades. However, you also want your child to be make good decisions, have good and healthy interpersonal boundaries and relationships, not make a wreck of their lives, help others, and be as joyful as possible despite inevitable trials and tribulations. To put it more simply (albeit less clinically), we want our children to avoid sin and do what is pleasing in God’s eyes. I think that’s why we, as parents, go to such great lengths to get our kids to church, Sunday school, CCD, Synagogue, or wherever you go to get closer to, and learn about God. We inherently know that the closer our child is to knowing and understanding God, the more likely he or she is to make better choices. We also remember that ‘what you do speaks so loudly I can't hear what you say’, so we work extra hard to model, for our children, a virtuous life.
Smarts vs wisdom
I’ll be happy if both my kids earn straight A’s, are valedictorians, go to medical school, and find a cure for cancer. However, I’ll be positively thrilled if they, quite simply, are wise. How about you?
Feel free to comment, or email me directly at jcarosso@cpcwecare.com. God Bless.
Dr. John Carosso
Written by Dr. John Carosso
Off to school blues
Have you had smooth experiences getting your kids off to school? I hope and trust that your kids have navigated this transition without undue difficulty. However, my kiddo has not been so fortunate. Much to his chagrin, Nico is starting Kindergarten, and the separation process has not been easy. Our mornings have been replete with his crying, clinging to his mother’s leg, making a run for it, and exclaiming his desire to “skip” Kindergarten.
Heal thyself
Of course, as a child psychologist, I have dealt with this problem countless times. I know what to do; but it sure can be tough to do it. How hard is it to see your child suffer? It’s our first impulse to ‘do something’ to remedy the problem and see our child smile again, as quickly as possible.
Temptations
It has been very tempting to simply send Nico back to his small, private school with only a handful of classmates. I’ve talked to parents who have been equally tempted to home or cyber-school. I appreciate, now more than ever, their inclination to do so. It’s tortuous to see our kids struggle.
What to do?
The answer is to compel Nico to face his fears. Despite the impulse to do otherwise and simply wait (hope) for maturity, there is no guarantee that time will solve this problem. I’ve reminded myself of having worked with High School students who continue to struggle with school refusal due to anxiety. So, rather than capitulate, we have remained firm but have accommodated. Nico has been given ongoing encouragement, calming strategies, he’s been driven to school, the Guidance Counselor has met him to walk to class, and he has been given some extra attention from the classroom teacher. We’ll fade these strategies over time, but so far we’re seeing progress. He’s still not too happy about Kindergarten, but the fuss is reducing.
One size fits all?
The motto for anxiety disorders is ‘face your fears’; and it’s the most effective avenue for overcoming such problems. However, the key question is how, when, and how much fear we face at any given time. Sometimes we need to face the fear all at once; but sometimes gradually. It all depends on the severity of the fear, and the child’s response to ‘facing’ the fear. Nevertheless, either way, the goal is always a progressive and unrelenting pursuit of facing the fear.
Future Anxiety?
Children who struggle with separation anxiety tend, by their very nature, to be more sensitive, anxious, and uptight about other things, and such often carries-on throughout life. However, while excessive anxiety may surface now and then, the key is to teach Nico, and your kiddo, to learn now how to manage the fear so that they control it, rather than it controlling them. He will be able to use what he learns now for the rest of his life.
I’ll keep you abreast of Nico’s progress; in the meantime, feel free to email me about any anxiety problems with your kids as well (comment below, or email me at jcarosso@cpcwecare.com). God bless and happy separating.
Written by Dr. Carosso
What happened?
You may have noticed that, despite announcement otherwise, I did not appear on GMA last Wed. It was disappointing given that the interview was taped and the segment was ready to go but, as I was informed later by the Producer, at the last minute the segment had to be shortened due to time constraints. Guess that’s life in show business.
What would have happened?
If I had been interviewed on GMA, the topic was pros and cons of parents sleeping with their kids; I was supposed to be the “expert” speaking on the potential “cons.” Not that I am totally against kids sleeping with their parents. God knows my kids have far too frequently snuck-in and we’ve been too tired to fuss about it (with no harm done and, in fact, it can be a nice bonding experience). Moreover, as you know, kiddos who’ve had a bad dream, or aren’t feeling well, may wind-up sleeping with their parents, and I doubt any “expert” would describe that as remarkable or damaging.
So what’s the problem?
Seems I’m treading on thin ice here, because some parents get really sensitive about any negative comments regarding regularly sharing the bed with kids. I was recently quoted in the Huffington Post in that regard and subsequently called, by one of my admirers, as myopic and ethno-centric. Well, I’ve been called worse (and expect more of the same after today post), so here it goes.
The Parent Trap(s)
Scenario:
-Child has bad dream or isn’t feeling well
-Parents indulge child in parent’s bed
-Child later finds other reasons to sneak-in
-Pattern of behavior is quickly established
-Parent can’t get child out of bed This is an all-too-common scenario. Not to mention an infant who presents with colic and can only be put-to-sleep in Mom’s arms, in the parent’s bed. Next thing y’know, the child is three years old and still in Mom and Dad’s bed. I know about this one first-hand. Believe me, it was no easy task to get my daughter back into her bed.
Another scenario: Single parent wants some company, so indulges child to share sleeping quarters. Parent later gets married; you guess the rest.
What parents really want
After discussing this issue with parents for over 20 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that the vast majority of parents do not want their kids in bed with them. Need I mention the intimacy-thing; and that it’s hard to sleep with kids (they’re squirmy and kick…)? However, parents don’t know how to get them out without subsequent emotion, tantrums, and upheaval. I should post next time about how to do that.
What’s best for the kids
Okay, feel free to call me myopic, but children can learn a lot by sleeping on their own. These posts are supposed to be brief, so I’ll cut to the chase: the act of falling asleep, and falling back to sleep, requires the ability to self-soothe, which is a skill that comes in handy even during the day. I’ve seen countless kids who appear more self-confident, secure, and calmer after finally learning how to remain in their own bed and sleep through the night. I’ve seen parents who appear happier too, which is another plus for the kids.
Don’t want to forget to mention: research suggests that SIDS rates are significantly higher for children sleeping with their parents. One would think that there is at least some danger of rolling-over on an infant or toddler.
Good Morning America revisited?
Maybe someday I’ll get on that show but, in the meantime, I covet and appreciate this wonderful audience of remarkable parents and individuals who put their heart and soul into caring for kids, and who actually take time out of their busy schedule to read these posts. I take this writing seriously, and hope you find them worthwhile. God bless.
Watch Dr. Carosso on ABC's Good Morning America tomorrow (Wed, August 24th) for an interview on parents sleeping with their children. Should be a good one.
Written by Dr. Carosso
Why is it that some show resilience and bounce-back from bouts of depression, anxiety, and terrible life circumstances, while others continue to struggle? That’s an age-old question with no easy answers, but there are some factors that count. Lets take a look:
Impervious insight
It’s vital to recognize that we have a problem, a realistic sense from where our problem originates, and that our problem needs to somehow be managed. Those who have such an understanding (insight) are usually more motivated to take responsibility for their problem and make changes. Oh, that reminds me of the next factor…
Miraculous motivation
It’s vital to want change, and be willing to move toward altering one’s lifestyle to live in a healthier fashion. Those who are motivated are, by definition, more energized and focused.
Maximum extraction
It’s amazing how some people, no matter how horrible their situation, find ways to compensate, rebound, and rise above their circumstances. I’ve seen this capacity in adults and kids alike. Some refer to this as the ‘ability to extract’ that refers to the ability to pull, from one’s environment, the strength and fortitude to move forward. These heroic individuals are able to extract strength from any healthy person with whom they have contact (a coach, neighbor, teacher, relative…); they see their glass as half-full, and see the silver linings in the darkest of clouds. God has blessed these people with such a capacity, and they ultimately move forward, and prove to be a blessing to others.
Heavenly help
Resilient individuals have a broader, more meaningful perspective of the world, above their own personal problems. I’ve worked with a host of children who gain substantial comfort from knowing they’re not alone and that the Almighty Creator, who has the universe in His hands, won’t let go of theirs.
Ask and you shall receive
Those who bounce-back find somebody to bounce off of. They recognize that they need help, and that two can accomplish more than twice as much as one. They ask for help; could be from a friend, relative, teacher, or neighbor, but sometimes it needs to come from a professional, and they’re okay with that. Resilient people seek the counsel of others, and remain open to guidance.
The family factor
Of course, it’s easier to ask for help if you feel you have a supportive family. However, those who fare better have families members who have good personal boundaries (mind their own business but are available when needed), avoid undue drama, and are loyal.
From where, and how do I instill?
You may be asking ‘how do I get these qualities?’ or ‘how do I instill these attributes into my children’? I’ll elaborate on those questions in future posts. In the meantime, keep in mind that these factors are simply ‘mind-sets’; that you can choose to embrace at any time. Moreover, daily you teach your kids these qualities by how you handle problems. However, it’s less by what you say, and more by what you do. Remember the old saying ‘what you do speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you say.’
God bless. If you found this helpful, feel free to forward to a friend.
Written by Dr. Carosso
Sorry to mention it, but…
Don’t hate the messenger but, yes, it’s about that time to start thinking about ‘back to school’. I shudder even writing those words given the implication of summer coming to an end.
Summer vs School Routine
Need I mention the difference between summer and school-year routines? If you start about 3-weeks out, it’s much easier to ship your child into shape. Otherwise, it’s a culture-shock for your child, and not too pleasant for you either.
What to do:
http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/community-connections/back-school-its-transition-time
For all kids
Keep these tips in mind, and they’ll work well for both your typical and special-needs children.
If you have any other tips, please comment; it’ll be appreciated. God bless and enjoy the rest of the summer!
Written by Dr. Carosso
The Challenge
In my work with parents, it’s all too common to hear the concern that their child, with high functioning Autism/Asperger’s, initially tends to ‘fit-in’ but, invariably, peers begin to notice peculiar tendencies, and social immaturity, and then shy away from their child. Of course, this causes distress, sadness, and frustration for everyone involved.
The Dilemma
Parents want to promote their child’s independence, and give them opportunities to socialize. Consequently, they’ll let their children play in the neighborhood, or participate in a sport or activity. However, again, invariably there are problems and the child feels distressed.
The Answer
It is vital and necessary to encourage social opportunities for children with high functioning Autism and Asperger’s. The key is to “success” is four-fold:
1.) Provide ongoing, child-friendly, rehearsal of social skills, and preparation for the social encounter.
2.) Monitor the social situation. The ‘monitoring’ is done by an adult who is familiar with the child, understands the potential problems, and is instructed how to intervene. This could be the parent, neighbor, coach, youth pastor, cafeteria aide, teacher, teacher’s aide, family friend, relative, babysitter, librarian, camp counselor, TSS, Mobile Therapist… Actually, it could also include an older sibling or peer, if mature and trustworthy in that regard. The adult does not necessarily need to be well-trained, but simply have an understanding of what may ‘not go so well’ and some simple steps on how to respond. In that regard, it’s likely unwise to simply send-off the child to the social encounter with expectation that ‘all will go well.’ Structure and over-sight is imperative.
3.) Group-oriented social skill training. However, it can be quite challenging for a parent to find the proper social group for their child with Asperger’s. These high functioning kiddos, whose symptoms are often mild, don’t fit-in so well with children struggling with more severe autism. Groups for such children, especially those with very subtle symptoms, are not especially abundant. Here at Community Psychiatric Centers, we put together group therapy sessions for just these type of children. However, otherwise, the pickings remain slim. Consequently, we must rely heavily on social gatherings with typical peers, but with adult oversight.
4.) To the extent possible, instruct and help peers to be compassionate, empathetic, and tolerant. Many kids will rise to the occasion, if given some direction and information.
The Bottom Line
Your child with Asperger’s needs to be monitored, when possible, in a social setting. Reinforce good social skills, and gently and tactfully redirect peculiar tendencies. Don’t leave it to chance. Educate adults who will be present during the encounter on what to ‘look out for’, and inform of simply ways to intervene. That is the recipe for success.
Please let me know your success stories and how they came about. Thank you. God bless.
Written by Dr. Carosso
The discipline trap
How beneficial is time-out, taking away the TV, or ‘grounding’ a child from going outside? Of course, as most parents have come to find, all of these discipline strategies can be effective. However, what happens if you rely too heavily on these strategies? Well, first, your household can become like a gulag; not too pleasant. Second, you and your child will be miserable. Third, the discipline strategies become less effective.
Relationship: Beyond Softer and Closer
That’s why I recommend relying on the ‘softer and closer approach (see the blog, “softer and closer approach”). However, no matter what discipline you attempt, it will all go to waste, and you’ll feel like banging your head against the wall, if you don’t have a healthy, positive, and pleasant relationship with your child.
Quality and Quantity
The key to parenting and discipline is you and your child doing things together, laughing and enjoying each other’s company, and spending time (quality and quantity time) in fun activities. Actually, even ‘not so fun’ activities can be quite bonding and reinforcing (e.g. helping with homework or school project, assisting in getting your child ready for bedtime…). In any case, absent a healthy relationship, there is no glue to connect a parental directive to the subsequent (hopefully) compliant behavior. Kids comply because, ultimately, they love their parents, want their parents to be happy, want to get-along and have a good relationship, and realize that ‘we’re all in this together’ so I might as well do my part.
The fear factor
If your child is complying predominately due to a fear of punishment, then you’re in trouble. In that case, your child’s ‘compliance’ is based in manipulation and fear, and tasks are often completed superficially and marginally.
The fun factor
Instead, build the relationship and you’ll have a disciple (a willing follower) and be less reliant on discipline. Don’t get me wrong; both are vital, but the former is a lot more fun:)
God Bless. If this was helpful, forward to a friend, and then go have some fun with your kid.
The Softer and Closer Approach
Written by Dr. Carosso
How it all began
Many years ago, starting out as a Psychologist, I came across a Principal who established a ritual with his teachers. At the conclusion of every morning meeting, he would huddle the teachers together and lead a chant "softer and closer" repeated four to five times, before sending the teachers off to their students.
Repeat after me...
I am hard pressed to contemplate a more significant or relevant mantra for teachers or parents. I have espoused the "softer and closer" approach since that time, and can think of no better way to connect with a child. Getting on the child's level, moving-in close, and speaking in a soft tone, if not a whisper, is remarkably powerful, comforting, and bonding for a child in any situation, but especially when the child is experiencing a difficulty and needs supportive guidance.
Go get softer and closer
Try it with your own child; rather than standing across the room and yelling, get close, soft, and comforting in tone, and see the difference.
Written by Dr. Carosso
The standard line:
Okay, as a professional you know that I am supposed to tell you that corporal punishment (spanking) is a no-no and you shouldn’t do it. I’m supposed to tell you that it’s ineffective and simply does not work. Well, I’m not going to tell you that; or at least not that it doesn’t work.
The kid's perspective:
Think of it this way, I imagine most of you men (If any men actually read this blog) would think twice before crossing a guy three times your size. Well, likewise, your kiddo isn’t stupid and realizes when he’s been out-gunned; which is why spanking works. Of course, many of us have our own experience with being spanked, and recognize first-hand the potential effectiveness of a hand on the back-side. However, once we move past the recognition of spanking being effective in getting kids to obey (at least in the short-term), we are left with some potential problems. I hear you saying ‘I knew you were going to say that…” Well, ignorance can be bliss, but maybe not so blissful for your kids, especially if you rely on spanking as your primary form of discipline.
Maybe not the best approach?
What are the problems? First, do you really want to hit your kids? Is there not something inherently wrong with hitting anyone, let alone somebody you love? Also, are we not trying to send appropriate messages to our kids? Do you prefer the message of ‘when somebody frustrates you, hit them?’ If your child is prone to be aggressive, e.g. hits his sister when angry, then does it help to tell him “no hitting” and then spank him?
Other options?
How does a parent feel while spanking? Obviously, they’re angry and frustrated; is it a stretch that an angry parent, in the heat of the moment, might hit too hard, or too many times? Does spanking teach the child more appropriate ways of behaving? Is time-out, loss of privilege, the softer and closer approach, or behavior charts, more effective? Does spanking create good or bad feelings; does it promote a positive, or negative tone in the family? Is spanking consistent with Jesus’ command to do unto others as you’d have done to you?
Go easy with the rod:
Those are questions to ask yourself; I imagine the answers will lead you in the right direction. Oh, by the way, since I brought-up Jesus, you may be thinking about that ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ verse. However, God’s “rod” also provides comfort (23rd Psalm... “Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me”); rods were used in Biblical days to guide sheep, not beat them. We want to guide our children; love them, teach and comfort them. The manner in which you carry out those duties, using a consistent, loving, and firm approach, maybe even with a sense of humor, will serve you well in raising your chidren. Now, go get softer and closer with your kids.
I'd love to read your comments. Feel free to forward to a friend.
God bless.
Written by Dr. Carosso
Lets set the scene:
You get into an argument with your spouse. You know your point is valid but you’re having trouble getting your mate to acknowledge your view; instead, he just wants to “move on” and “forget about it.” So, he tries to change the subject and you’re left feeling unheard and misunderstood. You’re simply not ready to “move on” and you feel ‘stuck’ and frustrated. As you're stewing over the problem, you think that, if only your point of view was acknowledged, even in disagreement, you’d feel more at-ease and prepared to move-on. Well, the same thing happens every time you want to “move on” past your child’s disappointment, frustration, anger, or problem.
Scene II:
Okay, here’s the next scenario: your child complains that he doesn't want to stop playing that new video game you just purchased for him, to empty the trash. You abruptly respond, in irritated fashion, for him to follow your direction “NOW” and ignore his obvious frustration.
Reflection to avoid rejection
Okay, I know what you're thinking; there are situations when there is simply no time for discussing the matter; nevertheless, you may find that, just as with your prior argument with your spouse, that a simple and quick ‘reflective’ comment, acknowledging your child’s feelings, would help him to more quickly move beyond his feelings and carry-out the assigned task.
For example, a comment such as “I understand it’s frustrating to be taken away from your new game. After you finish the chore you can return to playing” may prove to be quite helpful. Feeling ‘heard’ is extraordinarily powerful; it bolsters a sense of comfort and then allows for moving beyond, and past, the problem at hand.
The Alternative?
Otherwise, we tend to feel ‘stuck’ in the argument. Reflective listening is vital in all relationships, for issues that are both pleasant (“you're really happy you got an A on that test, you worked so hard…”) and not to pleasant (“you feel sad that your friend didn’t show-up, that can be disappointing”). In regards to this latter situation regarding the friend not showing up, the child will sense his feelings were acknowledged and more likely be willing to move forward to problem-solving, e.g. “why don’t you call your friend Timothy and see if he wants to come over instead.” In the absence of reflective listening, there is a tendency for your child to become argumentative (“I’m not calling Timmy, I wanted Jim to be here…”).
Spread the reflections:
You can more readily avoid such conflicts with your child, and with any other person in your life, by listening for, and acknowledging, their feelings. Try it; you may find yourself feeling happier too.
Feel free to comment forward to a friend:) God bless
