I know you want your child to be smart, earn good grades, and achieve lots of academic success. It’s wonderful to see that ‘A’ on the report card, and it makes you feel proud and encouraged for your child’s future. I have lots of talks with parents about how to improve their child’s academic achievement, and these discussions are necessary and worthwhile. However, as I leave church this morning, I can’t help but think that there is something more. As much as I want my kids to be smart and achieve, even more I want them to be wise. I want them to make good decisions, and live a good life.
We want our kids to be smart, but does that mean they’ll be wise too? If a child gets good grades, will they also make good decisions in their life? That’s a tough one. Research has shown that smart people tend to be more “successful”. However, is it always a sure bet that they’re wiser? There are lots of smart people in jail. As a psychologist, I also know that there are lots of smart people who are not especially happy. I also know that there a lot of less-than-brilliant people who are really happy, and not in jail. So, guess it’s safe to say that smart doesn’t equal wise.
What’s the different between being smart and being wise? Smart people may have a high IQ, but wise people make good decisions. They know when to say no. That begs the question: what are “good decisions?” I suppose they are choices that keep us out of trouble, help and bring us closer to others, and benefit our lives and the lives of others. The more we do such things, the happier and more content we’ll be, don’t ya think?
We can read from the book of Proverbs (the “manual for living”), that God cherishes wisdom more than smarts and has helped to “keep us from making wrong turns or following the bad direction.” Am I saying that wisdom comes from our relationship with God; well, yea, I am. It’s hard, otherwise, to learn right from wrong, and stay strong to do what’s right.
Okay, back to where we started; you want your child to be smart and earn good grades. However, you also want your child to be make good decisions, have good and healthy interpersonal boundaries and relationships, not make a wreck of their lives, help others, and be as joyful as possible despite inevitable trials and tribulations. Given that these things have such strong moral under-pinnings, it’s difficult to remove them from the spiritual. I think that’s why we, as parents, go to such great lengths to get our kids to Church, Sunday School, Mass, Synagogue, Temple, Mosque, or wherever you go to get closer to God. We intuitively know that the closer our child is to knowing and understanding God, the more likely he or she is to make better choices. We also remember the motto, ‘what you do speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you say’, so we work extra hard to model, for our children, a virtuous life.
To sum it up, I’ll be happy if both my kids earn straight A’s, are valedictorians, go to medical school, and find a cure for cancer.
However, I’ll be positively thrilled if they, quite simply, are wise.
How about you?
I’ve had quite a few kids in my office, as of late, struggling with separation anxiety and having a hard time getting to school. Maybe you’ve had a similar experience struggling through the morning routine, with your child fussing and wanting to stay home. I hope your kids have navigated this transition without undue difficulty. However, my kiddo, Nico, was not so fortunate. Much to his chagrin, when he started Kindergarten in public school and faced the separation process; well, it didn’t go so well. Our mornings were replete with his crying, clinging to his mother’s leg, making a run for it, and exclaiming his desire to “skip” Kindergarten.
Of course, as a child psychologist, I’ve had to deal with this problem countless times. I knew what to do; but it sure can be tough to do it. How hard is it to see your child suffer? It’s our first impulse to ‘do something’, and give-in, to remedy the problem and see our child smile again, as quickly as possible.
It was therefore tempting to simply send my son back to his small, nurturing private school with only a handful of classmates. I’ve talked to parents who have been equally tempted to home or cyber-school. I appreciate, now more than ever, their inclination to do so. It’s tortuous to see our kids struggle.
The answer was to compel Nico to face his fears. Despite the impulse to do otherwise and simply wait (hope) for maturity, there was no guarantee that time would solve this problem. I reminded myself of having worked with High School students who continued to struggle with school refusal due to anxiety. So, rather than capitulate, we remained firm and provided some accommodations. Nico was given ongoing encouragement, calming strategies, was driven to school (at first), the Guidance Counselor met him to walk to class, and he was given extra attention from the classroom teacher. We faded these strategies and he improved over the course of the year. However, even to this day, at times he’s less than thrilled about attending school, but it’s nothing like it used to be.
The motto for anxiety disorders is ‘face your fears’; and it’s the most effective avenue for overcoming such problems. However, the key question is how, when, and how much fear we face at any given time. Sometimes we need to face the fear all at once; but sometimes gradually. It all depends on the severity of the fear, and the child’s response to ‘facing’ the fear. Nevertheless, either way, the goal is always a progressive and unrelenting pursuit of facing the fear.
Children who struggle with separation anxiety tend, by their very nature, to be more sensitive, anxious, and uptight about other things, and such often carries-on throughout life. However, while excessive anxiety may surface now and then, the key is to teach coping strategies to learn how to manage the fear so that they control it, rather than the anxiety controlling them; and this learning can be effectively used for the rest of their lives.
I trust you’ll find this post to be helpful, and please don’t hesitate to email me about any ongoing anxiety problems. God bless and happy separating.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
Written By Dr. John Carosso
It's a tradition to run this post for the Holiday; hope you enjoy it, and wishing you and yours a blessed Christmas and Holiday Season.
As a psychologist, I’m expected to talk about traditional and clinically-relevant approaches to help kids, and parents, work through difficulties. This of course would include helping people to think in more reasonable ways (cognitive therapy), behave in ways that are productive and healthy (behavioral approaches), be emphatic (Rogerian techniques), stay in-the-moment (Gestalt), incorporate the family (systems approach), and use praise in systematic ways (Applied Behavioral Analysis). (more…)
Recent Research
Findings out of the Institute of Child Development and Human Capital Research Collaborative (say that three times real fast) at the University of Minnesota found that kids who were involved in full-day preschool ended-up being more prepared for Kindergarten than those kiddos who went half-day. As per the reported highlights of the study, the former had better scores in math, language, socio-emotional development and physical health tests. The headlines might make a parent think they need to immediately enroll their 3 year-old in a full-day preschool program. Think again. (more…)
It's your turn
Please let me know what topic(s) you'd like me to cover in upcoming blog posts, or questions you have about how to manage a particular situation with your child, or anything about kids you've been wondering about and want more explanation. (more…)
Why do kids get depressed?
I work as a child psychologist, so obviously I come across quite a number kids struggling with feeling ‘down’ and with low self-esteem. There are common themes to this problem, and common causes. In many cases, there is long-standing genetic predisposition to the disorder (depression ‘runs in the family’) and the child is subsequently more vulnerable to bouts of sadness and being ‘down in the dumps.’ In other situations, there has been loss and strife in the child’s life, and they’re reacting as would mostly anyone. Finally, some kids have both components (heredity and tough environmental situations) that contribute to the problem. (more…)
Given all the recent news regarding spanking and using a 'switch' to "teach children a lesson", I thought it would be a good time to revisit one of my earlier posts on this subject. Please pass it along:
Does Spanking Work?
Okay, as a professional I'm supposed to tell you that corporal punishment (spanking) is a no-no and you shouldn’t do it. I’m supposed to tell you that it’s ineffective and simply does not work. Well, I’m not going to tell you that; or at least not that it doesn’t work. Think of it this way, I imagine most of you men (If any men actually read this blog) would think twice before crossing a guy three times your size. Well, likewise, your kiddo isn’t stupid and realizes when he’s been out-gunned; which is why spanking "works". (more…)
So many from which to choose
There are many school options for parents; brick-and-mortar public schools, public cyber schools, private schools, specialized alternative placements, and homeschooling to name a few. Parents are often left wondering which is the best option for their child, especially parents of children with special needs. (more…)
How it all starts
It usually begins innocently enough; your child isn’t feeling well and wants to sleep in your bed. One night turns into two, then three… Or your infant child has colic and is difficult to soothe and you find yourself often falling asleep with your child, year after year. In either case, as well as countless other potential scenarios, the end result is the same; your child is consistently sleeping in your bed and won’t sleep alone in her own bed. (more…)
Yes, it’s that time
Yes, it’s tough to even think about the Fall, but nevertheless it's time to prepare for the 'back to the school' routine.
Summer vs School Routine
Need I mention the difference between summer and school-year routine? If you start about 2-3 weeks out, it’s much easier to ship your kids into shape. Otherwise, it’s a culture-shock for your child, and not too pleasant for you either. (more…)
