Written by Dr. John Carosso
Most parents rely on raising their voice, pestering, threatening, loss of privilege, and time-out, in that order (with the last two being used interchangeably). We have to ask ourselves, as parents, is this effective (especially the first two options)? If you’re taking the time to read this post, probably not.
Does raising our voice and pestering work? I think we all know the answer; for neurotypical kids these approaches work only sometimes, but enough to keep us doing it. It’s similar to playing a slot machine; we get a positive outcome on a variable-ratio schedule (random and unpredictable) that, by the way, is the most powerful form of outcome to keep us trying the same approach, even if not entirely effective.
As we examine outcomes, we see that raising our voice and pestering is even less effective with children who struggle with attention problems, distractibility, and preoccupation. We pester, raise our voice, and carry-on to no avail and it’s frustrating for everyone involved. In fact, a common complaint from parents is that they find themselves “yelling all the time” and the situation is quite unpleasant.
The problem is that we are usually standing far across the room and relying on ephemeral sound waves, transmitted from our vocal cords, floating through the air, vibrating the inner ear of our child, and hopefully being processed by our child’s brain and acted-upon. That’s a tall order to promote compliance, especially for a child who has ADHD or autism and is not always paying attention and is easily distracted along the way to carrying out the directive. If we think about it that way, we can see how silly we are, thinking that we can impact physical behavior by relying on intangible sound waves from far across the room.
Think of the difference between relying on our voice (sound waves) from across the room, to instead using the ‘softer and closer approach’ (see my earlier post) that entails getting physically close to your child, using a soft tone to get your child’s attention, and guiding your child through each step of the task.
Who says you should not have to do that? I try not to use the word “should”; it just causes frustration. If your child needs some extra attention at this point in their life, or on any given day or time, so be it. I suggest accepting this reality, which will greatly reduce frustration. Remember, frustration is based on expectations. Change your expectations, and you’ll be far less frustrated and so will your child.
Yes, you do want to raise expectations, while being realistic. If your child needs some extra guidance, give it. You can provide close supervision, get your child started on the task, then work on progressively backing-off while continuing to watch, praise, and prompt from nearby. This is a form of backward chaining and it works quite well.
A sure-fire way to avoid feeling frustrated is, first, to change your expectations. Next remind yourself that someday, when they’re older, you’ll greatly miss these close times with your child. Also, there is no better bonding experience than the softer and closer approach.
Discipline-based in the use of air-waves is often counter-productive and ill-advised, especially if your child needs some extra attention. So, go have a great day getting softer and closer with your child.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
On one hand you’re excited for the start of summer and to have far more access to your kids. If you’re a stay-at-home Mom, then you’re home all day with the little darlings and the sky is the limit in terms of the potential for fun-in-the-sun!! Even if you work, it’s most likely you’ll be seeing your kids quite a bit more over the next few months. Of course, you’re thrilled; they’re your kids and you want nothing more than to be around them and enjoy their company. However, deep down, you’re also a little scared because you’ll be, well, trapped, all day, with the little stinkers; they’ll all be together tag-teaming against you, not to mention tag-teaming against each other. You’ll have to play referee, teacher, cop, and playmate possibly all within any given 5-minute period.
Not to get off-topic, but what’s the deal anyway with this three-months-off-thing over the summer? Are we all still farmers and need our kids help to work the family farm? I like a little vegetable garden as much as the next person, but three months seems a bit extreme. But I digress…
Well, that’s just it, ya gotta have a game-plan. I suppose you could just wing-it, and many do, and they seem to do okay. However, especially if you have kids with special needs, the more routine, structured, planned, and predictable you can make the summer, oftentimes the better it will go. Not that every minute will be planned (summer is about spontaneity, freedom, and fun) but for some kiddos going from a highly regimented daily school routine, to a free-for-all, can be rather unsettling. Many parents find a nice balance between the two, some structure for part of the day, and some planned activities and trips, and a more relaxed and free-flowing part of the day (and even this “free-flowing” portion of the day can be planned).
You go to Hawaii and hire a full-time nanny to watch the kids (just joking, sort of). First, get a Family Calendar with daily and monthly activities and events planned in advance. This gives the kids things to look forward to, lets them know what is planned for any given day or week, and reduces the pestering about ‘what are we doing today…’? You may want to use lots of visuals and pictures to convey information about the activity or event(s).
You may want to be a bit more accommodating and less rigid with chores and expecting a super clean house. Having everyone home, all day, is going to result in more messes and whatnot, and your frustration likely will skyrocket if you’re expecting complete order and a pristine environment. However, by the same token, clearly defining rules (maybe even posting summer-time rules on the wall) that include not getting out other toys or items until the first are put-away, will be helpful.
Since other parents have their kids home too, take advantage of them and give them your kids for an afternoon (or a few days?). Of course, you’ll have to return the favor, but the kids can enjoy playing together (or not) and you get a break every so often.
Set out a bucket for suggestions, and get a ‘bucket list’ from your kiddos to find out things they want to do over the summer. They likely will have some good ideas for local trips and activities you can do at home or in the local neighborhood.
Many of you have arranged day and/or week-long camps for your kids. Your kiddo usually has a great time, and it also gives you a break. However, keep the family fun going; remember, you only have so many summers with your kids, while they’re still kids, so don’t forget to savor these moments in time (that reminds me; take lots and lots of pictures and you’ll have them for your scrolling home-screen the rest of the year).
Here are some local summer camps you may find interesting. These are divided into special needs camps, regular day camps, and art, theater, and dance-camps.
2019 Special Needs Camps (pdf)
2019 Sports, Arts, Theater, and Dance Camps (pdf)
Your kids are going to hate me for suggesting this, but it’s important to set-aside some time, weekly if not daily, to keep-up on academics. Take advantage of Extended School Year (ESY) if your child is eligible, or simply crack some books at home for 30 minutes to an hour a day. Or, even better, introduce your child to child-friendly short stories and novels where they can get ‘lost’ in their imagination and experience far-away adventures without even leaving the home. Reading together is even better. Experiential trips are also fun, such as to the library or museum, art show, aviary, and don’t forget about VBS.
Get the names and phone numbers of kids with whom your child will want to visit and play over the summer. Otherwise, you may not have a way to contact them, and many opportunities for fun play-dates will be lost.
Role-play with your child what to do if they get lost, or need help in some way. Keep medications and first-aid kits handy. Always have an epi-pen handy as well!! You never know who may be allergic to insect bites and stings.
When the kids get to bickering and carrying-on, prepare places for them to go to play separately. Separate rooms or areas of the house, or one plays outside while the other inside; whatever it takes. Prepare activities for them to do separately to keep them busy and to at least temporarily end the fussiness. The more structured and planned the activities and play-areas, the more likely such diversionary tactics will work.
If your child has challenges with catching a ball, the Velcro-ball and Velcro catching pad is a wonderful option; frankly, even if your kiddo catches just fine, it’s still a fun activity, as is a trampoline, bicycle riding (or tricycle ride), taking the dog for a walk, having a picnic in the back yard, family hike, catching lightning bugs (we used to use wiffle bats when I was a kid…), going for a swim, stargazing, zoo, kennywood, board games, making a bird feeder and watching the birds, listening to an audiobook, going fishing, jumping rope, blowing bubbles, playing miniature golf, flying a kite, playing badminton, climbing a tree (not too tall), or watching a good movie. Whatever you do together is meaningful and makes a memory.
I hope you found this post to be informative and that it inspired some ideas. Here’s wishing you and yours a relaxing, safe, and memory-filled summer of fun. God bless.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
There are a host of ways to help manage ADHD and its primary symptoms of impulsivity, hyperactivity, and distractibility. People often seek counseling for their child, and that approach is worthwhile, given it’s vital to teach coping skills. Of course, medication is often pursued and that too is quite effective. However, what else is vital in treatment?
The most effective and important strategy in the treatment of ADHD is structure. I’ve explained in prior posts what structure means, and I can’t emphasize enough its importance.
It means that the day is very well organized, you keep the same schedule each day, everything has its place, and the same place, and activities take place in specific places, times, and time-frames. The work environment is distraction free. It’s recognized that, most often, if something is to be accomplished it will occur because the parent is in very close proximity and providing a guiding hand, gentle prompting, and ongoing reinforcement of desired behaviors while not relying on a raised voice (yelling) from across the room. Children’s play activities will be structured, guided, and time-limited. There will be a behavior chart providing stickers for task completion. I could go on and on, but you get the drift.
The hard part about ‘structure’ is knowing how, how much, when, where, and when to back-off. It’s tricky business. I suggest seeking help from a professional who can help answer those questions. I’m always available, just make an appointment or email me at DrCarosso@aol.com. Happy structuring 🙂
Written by Dr. John Carosso
There is not a “cure” for dyslexia. However, to better-understand the answer to this question, it’s best to review the nature of dyslexia and its underpinnings. In that respect, dyslexia is a neurological disorder in the sense that at least three particular areas of the brain, in charge of recognizing and processing written language, simply do not work so well. Consequently, a person with dyslexia struggles with reading (and usually also with writing). The condition can be treated, and skills can be improved, but often the underlying deficiency does not necessarily go away.
We all have strengths and weakness. Some are good in math, or athletics, music, or art. Others, less so. Our strengths are based in our brain development and we’re each born with individual strengths, and weaknesses in that respect. Reading is no exception. As I mentioned, for people with dyslexia, there are a few parts of the brain that don’t work so well, but the rest of the person’s brain is fine!
Dyslexia can be treated very effectively. The determining factor of progress is severity-level. In that respect, just as with any condition, the less severe the dyslexia, the more progress in treatment, even to the point of improving to reading at grade-level. In some respect, it’s no different than working at any skill. If a child is playing baseball and is not good at hitting, but practices and practices hitting with a skilled coach, there’s a good chance the kiddo will get better. How much better? Well, that depends on how poor of a hitter they were in the first place, and the skill of the coach. The hitter will improve either way, but will likely advance further if the hitting only needs minor tweaks and the child may even ultimately hit better than their teammates.
The research is somewhat sketchy and, surprisingly, there isn’t a lot of it. However, just as I explained, children with mild dyslexia (reading about one grade-level behind or less) tend to do well in treatment, and ultimately advance to read at grade-level. However, upwards of 60% of those with moderate to severe dyslexia show progress in treatment, but don’t advance to read at grade-level.
The treatment approach is largely two-fold. We help the child to be the very best reader they can be, which is accomplished by intensive weekly treatment and regular practice of reading skills with a skilled teacher. We offer a very effective online support in that respect, at DyslexiaTreaters.com. Our reading specialist, Taylor Cole, is superb at turning kids with reading challenges into proficient readers.
At the same time, until the reading improves, we facilitate the child completing their classwork by promoting listening to assignments, i.e. we turn them into ear-readers. There are a number of programs that help in this respect including kindle, Audible, most school textbooks are online, and there is a wonderful app that quickly turns any text into audible; naturalreaders.com.
That about wraps it up for now. I hope that helps to clarify the treatment process and expectations for improvement.
We are pleased to announce our online tutoring program through the Dyslexia Diagnostic and Treatment Center. Ms. Taylor Cole, our online Reading Specialist, knowledgeable in Orton-Gillingham approaches, is available for convenient online sessions. You can sign up for news, tips, and discount offers and arrange a 30 minute free introductory session with Ms. Cole at DyslexiaTreaters.com.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
Reading issues are frustrating for both children and parents. If you your child is struggling, and you have concerns about dyslexia, this post covers signs of dyslexia, and effective treatment options.
I am often asked by parents to assess their child for dyslexia this process usually leads to a discussion about the nature of dyslexia, and how a parent can help.
Dyslexia (disorder of reading) and Dysgraphia (disorder of writing) are two conditions that are often labeled by school districts, more generally, as a “Specific Learning Disability”. In fact, over 90% of students classified as having a ‘Specific Learning Disability’ (and given an IEP) are classified because they have dyslexia.
Dyslexia is almost always inherited and can greatly interfere with a child’s ability to make progress in school.
Dyslexia is, essentially, a problem decoding words. However, these kiddo's are quite intelligent and capable, but struggle with that specific task of sounding-out words. However, dyslexia, more broadly, is also a problem with the processing of language; kids have difficulty processing the sequence of sounds that comprise spoken words. Consequently, you get words like “psghetti” and “amninal.” Interesting, these kiddos sometimes genuinely don’t ‘hear’ themselves saying the words incorrectly so it’s difficult for them to self-correct. Moreover, they also struggle with visually processing the specific sounds. Consequently, they may read “gut” for “glut” and so on.
All of the effective strategies are based in a ‘multi-sensory’ approach that incorporates, in the learning process, visual, auditory, and kinesthetic senses. In that respect, a child may be shown the word, asked to say the word, hear it spoken by the teacher, write the word on paper, and write the word or letter (using his finger) on a rough surface. Consequently, the child is receiving varied feedback (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) regarding how that word looks, sounds, feels, and is written.
The Orton-Gillingham approach is commonly used, and incorporates this multi-sensory approach.
We are pleased to announce our online tutoring program through the Dyslexia Diagnostic and Treatment Center. Ms. Taylor Cole, our online Reading Specialist, knowledgeable in Orton-Gillingham approaches, is available for convenient online sessions. You can sign up for news, tips, and discount offers and arrange a 30 minute free introductory session with Ms. Cole at DyslexiaTreaters.com.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
Parents are often told about the importance of structure, that they need to increase structure, and that structure is vital to helping children who need “more structure.” However, what does that mean?
The simplest way to explain structure is that ‘more structure’ equates to more rules, direction, and close over-sight. During any given time of day, or activity, the more rules and direction you give your child, and the closer you stand in proximity, the more “structure” you’re providing.
The more rules and directives, the more the child knows what to do, the more predictable the outcomes (for you and the child), and less room for problems, arguments, and contention.
The first scenario - three children return from school and play together without rules or direction. The three children roam about, intrude in each other’s play, move from one thing to the next, make messes, and run around as the parent yells for them to behave.
In the second scenario - the children return from school and each is directed to a different part of the house, they are given directives (rules) including to play separately in a specific pre-planned activity for 10 minutes, clean up, then move onto the second activity, then they can have their after-school snack eaten in separate areas. During the entire time, the parent is closely monitoring and giving lots of praise, at close proximity, for their on-task behavior. Thereafter, the three can come together in a favorite game, with the parent present, for eight minutes or less before moving onto another activity depending on how the first game transpired.
So, what do you think of those two scenarios? Which is more likely to be successful for a child with autism or ADHD? Which scenario leaves less room for problems? Which has more predictable outcomes? The two different scenarios reflect how direction, rules, and proximity equate to ‘structure’, how ‘structure’ looks in real-life situations, and what happens in its absence.
More is better? Presumably, but it depends. The goal, over time, is to need less structure. As children mature and learn, they become more independent and can handle more freedom (less rules and direction). If you impose structure when it’s not necessary, you’re promoting dependence, and being annoying, and kids will rebel. It’s a balancing act based on your best judgement as a parent. However, my advice is, when in doubt, go with structure.
“Structure” is such a commonly used term that it’s important to be clear about it’s meaning. I hope this post helps to clarify and make sense of this most important elements of managing our children’s behavior.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to email me at jcarosso@cpcwecare.com. God bless
Written by Dr. John Carosso
Parents often quickly correct themselves after making comparisons between their kids, saying “I know we’re not supposed to do that…” It’s generally taken for granted that comparing our children is wrong.
In reality, we compare all the time. In fact, comparing helps us to understand what’s age-appropriate and expected for any given age. Think about it, it’s easier after your second, third, fourth… child because you have a much better idea of what to do, what to expect at any given age, and how much attention and monitoring your child should need along the way. You’re no longer guessing or relying solely on advice from your mother, but also basing your decision on past experience after years of direct observation of your older kiddos. In that respect, comparing is very practical.
Comparing your children is a problem when you do it outside your head. In that respect, comparing is reserved for your own thoughts, and in your private discussions with your spouse. Never let her children hear your thoughts about your comparisons between them. That type of talk rarely ends well, and usually only instills sibling rivalry. Children don’t want to hear about how their older sibling talked early, got ready for school without any prompting, practiced piano every day, and was an angel... Any such comparisons, expressed out-loud, usually results in hurt feelings, resentment and, look out in terms of subsequent fights and mayhem among the kids.
In summary, comparing your children can be quite helpful and practical, just don’t do it out-loud in front of your kids. A wonderful book on the subject is Siblings without Rivalry by E. Maxlish. Okay then, here’s to happy parenting and wishing you a wonderful, peaceful, and prosperous New Year. God bless.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
As a psychologist, I’m expected to talk about traditional and clinically-relevant approaches to help kids, and parents, work through difficulties. This of course would include helping people to think in more reasonable ways (cognitive therapy), behave in ways that are productive and healthy (behavioral approaches), be emphatic (Rogerian techniques), stay in-the-moment (Gestalt), incorporate the family (systems approach), and use praise in systematic ways (Applied Behavioral Analysis).
Well, yes there is. I’m usually not expected to discuss spiritual options but, in some cases, it’s like watching somebody drown and tossing a small life preserver when I have ready access to a large life-boat. Don’t get me wrong, the life-preserver is effective but, well, wouldn’t you rather be in a boat?
During this Christmas season, it seems fitting to offer a reminder that God gave His Son not only to rescue us from sin, but also to rescue us from ourselves and, in the process, heal us, soothe us, and relieve us during our times of stress, burden, and strife. Think about it, in Scripture, He’s referred to as our Advocate, the Almighty, All in All, Breath of Life, Comforter, Counselor, Cornerstone, Creator, God Who Sees Me, Goodness, Guide, Hiding Place, Hope, Intercessor, Keeper, Leader, Life, Light of the World, Living Water, Loving Kindness, Maker, Mediator, Our Peace, Physician, Portion, Potter, Teacher, Refuge, Rewarder, Rock, Servant, Shade, Shield, Song, Stone, Stronghold, Strength, Strong Tower, Truth, Wisdom, and Wonderful to cite just a few of His names. Hmmm, I wonder if maybe God is trying to tell us something about turning to Him for help?
Those strategies I cited above (cognitive-behavioral…) are undoubtedly worthwhile and helpful. God gives people like me lots of ways to help and give relief (not to mention that most of those strategies have a basis in Scripture). However, there is something quite powerful and life-changing about tapping directly into the Source (another one of His names, by the way). Give it a try, what have you got to lose?
May God deeply bless you and yours during this Christmas season. I’d love to hear your comments at: jcarosso@cpcwecare.com
From Dr. John Carosso
For many parents with kiddos struggling with any number of behavioral health or developmental issues such as ADHD and Autism, the Holiday Season can be an extra stressful time. Watch this Morning Minute Special below on how to prepare your child for the season. You can also find more information on my blog here.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
How beneficial is time-out, taking away the TV, or ‘grounding’ a child from going outside? Of course, as most parents have come to find, all of these discipline strategies can be effective. However, what happens if you rely too heavily on these strategies? Well, first, your household can become like a gulag; not too pleasant. Second, you and your child will be miserable. Third, the discipline strategies become less effective.
That’s why I recommend relying on the ‘softer and closer approach (see the blog, “softer and closer approach”). However, no matter what discipline you attempt, it will all go to waste, and you’ll feel like banging your head against the wall, if you don’t have a healthy, positive, and pleasant relationship with your child.
The key to parenting and discipline is you and your child doing things together, laughing and enjoying each other’s company, and spending time (quality and quantity time) in fun activities. Actually, even ‘not so fun’ activities can be quite bonding and reinforcing (e.g. helping with homework or school project, assisting in getting your child ready for bedtime…). In any case, absent a healthy relationship, there is no glue to connect a parental directive to the subsequent (hopefully) compliant behavior. Kids comply because, ultimately, they love their parents, want their parents to be happy, want to get-along and have a good relationship, and realize that ‘we’re all in this together’ so I might as well do my part.
If your child is complying predominately due to a fear of punishment, then you’re in trouble. In that case, your child’s ‘compliance’ is based in manipulation and fear, and tasks are often completed superficially and marginally.
Instead, build the relationship and you’ll have a disciple (a willing follower) and be less reliant on discipline. Don’t get me wrong; both are vital, but the former is a lot more fun 🙂
