If you’ve followed along with my blog, you may remember The Softer and Closer Approach—a heartfelt reminder that how we show up with our children often matters more than what we say or do. Today, I want to dive a little deeper into that idea and highlight the importance of remaining calm, getting down to your child’s level, and inviting them into cooperative problem-solving.
Why Calm, Gentle, and Present Works
Let’s face it—parenting is hard. When your child is upset, defiant, or overwhelmed, it’s easy to slip into frustration or raise your voice. However, neuroscience suggests that children don’t respond well to intense stimuli. In fact, it does the opposite: it heightens their stress and shuts down the part of the brain that helps them listen, think, and make good choices.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of The Whole-Brain Child, emphasizes that when we approach our kids with calm and connection, we actually help regulate their emotions. He calls it “name it to tame it” and encourages parents to co-regulate by being present, gentle, and empathetic.
Get on Their Level—Literally and Emotionally
One of the simplest and most powerful things you can do is get on the same level as your child—kneel, sit, or squat down. This shows your child that you're not towering over them but instead with them. It's a subtle but powerful message of safety and collaboration.
Research from the University of Washington’s Parenting Clinic found that non-verbal cues—like kneeling down and soft eye contact—significantly increase a child’s ability to attend and respond positively during discipline moments.
Speak Softly—It Gets Heard Better
It may seem counterintuitive, but speaking softly when your child is upset garners more attention than raising your voice. A gentle tone activates a child's social engagement system, which helps them feel secure and ready to cooperate, rather than fight or flee.
According to The Harvard Center on the Developing Child, positive adult-child interactions—including calm verbal communication—build strong neural pathways in young children that support emotional regulation and learning.
Invite Problem-Solving Together
Rather than jumping into correction or punishment, consider pausing and asking, “What do you think we can do to fix this together?” This kind of invitation not only models problem-solving but also builds confidence and collaboration.
Ross Greene, Ph.D., author of The Explosive Child, developed the “Collaborative & Proactive Solutions” model, which centers on this approach. His research shows that children are far more likely to change behavior when they feel heard and are involved in creating the solution.
In Practice: Softer and Closer in Action
- Is your child melting down after school? Sit beside them, gently rub their back, and say, “It looks like today was really hard. Want to talk about it?”
- They’ve just hit their sibling? Kneel down and calmly say, “I know you're upset. Let’s talk about what happened and how we can make things right.”
- They're refusing to clean up? Get close, speak softly, and offer to start together: “Let’s pick up five things together and then take a break.”
Every moment like this builds trust, confidence, and emotional maturity.
If you’re finding these moments hard to navigate, you’re not alone. It takes practice, patience, and support. I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out to me at DrCarosso@aol.com—and visit HelpForYourChild.com for more parenting insights.
