Written by: Dr. John Carosso
How beneficial is time-out, taking away the TV, or ‘grounding’ a child from going outside? Of course, all of these can be effective, as most parents have come towjW find, but if you rely too heavily on these strategies, what happens? Well, first, your household can become like a gulag; not too pleasant. Second, you and your child will be miserable. That’s why I recommend relying on the ‘softer and closer approach (see the post, “softer and closer approach”). However, no matter what discipline you attempt, it will all go to waste, and be like banging your head against the wall, if you don’t have a healthy, positive, and pleasant RELATIONSHIP with your child.
The key to parenting and discipline is you and your child doing things together, laughing and enjoying each other’s company, and spending time (quality and quantity time) in fun activities. Absent a healthy relationship, there is no glue to connect a parental direction to the subsequent (hopefully) compliant act. Kids comply because, ultimately, they love their parents, want their parents to be happy, want to get-along and have a good relationship, and realize that ‘we’re all in this together’ so I might as well do my part.
If your child is complying predominately due to a fear of punishment, then you’re in trouble. Your child’s ‘compliance’ is then based in manipulation, avoidance, and tasks are completed superficially and marginally. Instead, but your relationship with your child and you’ll notice what it’s like to have a ‘disciple’ (a willing follower), and it’s a lot more fun.
God Bless. By the way, I welcome any comments or questions.
Written by: Dr. John Carosso
Wouldn’t it be nice to be omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent, especially when it comes to caring for your kids? Well, you’ll never be any of those things, but you can introduce your child to someone who is. Imagine how comforting and reassuring for your child to know, during times of good and bad, that he or she is being watched-over, protected, helped, comforted, and that he is part of a larger, heavenly clan of his Father, brothers, and sisters. I have seen time and time again; children with a spiritual sense tend to have a stronger conscience, are easier to comfort, and have a better understanding and sense of purpose and meaning in their life. Parent can pull, for example, from the Bible to teach and help their child to understand about morality, compassion, love, the destructiveness of sin, and how to combat sin and, put more simply, how to stay on the ‘straight and narrow’. I can say, first-hand, that having a personal relationship with my Heavenly father is rewarding beyond words, and I relish sharing Him with my kids and watching them grow in their spiritual relationship. Even putting aside the reality of Christ and implications of turning away from God, I strongly suggest that you take advantage of developing, within your child (and why not within yourself too?), a strong spiritual life, based in a loving relationship with Christ. Otherwise, you lose access to an invaluable anchor and rudder that can be the utmost guiding force for good and joy. Comments on this post are welcomed:)
Written by: Dr. John Carosso
Many years ago as a young buck, starting out as a School Psychologist, I came across a Principal who had established a ritual with his teachers that, at the conclusion of every meeting, he would huddle the teachers together and lead a chant "softer and closer" repeated four to five times, before sending the teachers off to their students. I am hard pressed to contemplate a more significant or relevant mantra for teachers or parents. I have espoused the "softer and closer" approach since that time, and can think of no better way to connect with a child whether working as a mental health professional, or as a parent. In that regard, getting on the child's level, moving-in close, and speaking in a soft tone, if not a whisper, is remarkably comforting and powerful for a child in any situation, but especially when the child is experiencing a difficulty and needs supportive guidance. Try with your own child; rather than standing across the room yelling, get close, soft, and comforting in tone, and see the difference. Similarly, I speak of "time-in" as opposed to "time-out"; try it, the softer and closer approach, and see the difference. Feel free to comment or question:)
