Written by Dr. Carosso
What happened?
You may have noticed that, despite announcement otherwise, I did not appear on GMA last Wed. It was disappointing given that the interview was taped and the segment was ready to go but, as I was informed later by the Producer, at the last minute the segment had to be shortened due to time constraints. Guess that’s life in show business.
What would have happened?
If I had been interviewed on GMA, the topic was pros and cons of parents sleeping with their kids; I was supposed to be the “expert” speaking on the potential “cons.” Not that I am totally against kids sleeping with their parents. God knows my kids have far too frequently snuck-in and we’ve been too tired to fuss about it (with no harm done and, in fact, it can be a nice bonding experience). Moreover, as you know, kiddos who’ve had a bad dream, or aren’t feeling well, may wind-up sleeping with their parents, and I doubt any “expert” would describe that as remarkable or damaging.
So what’s the problem?
Seems I’m treading on thin ice here, because some parents get really sensitive about any negative comments regarding regularly sharing the bed with kids. I was recently quoted in the Huffington Post in that regard and subsequently called, by one of my admirers, as myopic and ethno-centric. Well, I’ve been called worse (and expect more of the same after today post), so here it goes.
The Parent Trap(s)
Scenario:
-Child has bad dream or isn’t feeling well
-Parents indulge child in parent’s bed
-Child later finds other reasons to sneak-in
-Pattern of behavior is quickly established
-Parent can’t get child out of bed This is an all-too-common scenario. Not to mention an infant who presents with colic and can only be put-to-sleep in Mom’s arms, in the parent’s bed. Next thing y’know, the child is three years old and still in Mom and Dad’s bed. I know about this one first-hand. Believe me, it was no easy task to get my daughter back into her bed.
Another scenario: Single parent wants some company, so indulges child to share sleeping quarters. Parent later gets married; you guess the rest.
What parents really want
After discussing this issue with parents for over 20 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that the vast majority of parents do not want their kids in bed with them. Need I mention the intimacy-thing; and that it’s hard to sleep with kids (they’re squirmy and kick…)? However, parents don’t know how to get them out without subsequent emotion, tantrums, and upheaval. I should post next time about how to do that.
What’s best for the kids
Okay, feel free to call me myopic, but children can learn a lot by sleeping on their own. These posts are supposed to be brief, so I’ll cut to the chase: the act of falling asleep, and falling back to sleep, requires the ability to self-soothe, which is a skill that comes in handy even during the day. I’ve seen countless kids who appear more self-confident, secure, and calmer after finally learning how to remain in their own bed and sleep through the night. I’ve seen parents who appear happier too, which is another plus for the kids.
Don’t want to forget to mention: research suggests that SIDS rates are significantly higher for children sleeping with their parents. One would think that there is at least some danger of rolling-over on an infant or toddler.
Good Morning America revisited?
Maybe someday I’ll get on that show but, in the meantime, I covet and appreciate this wonderful audience of remarkable parents and individuals who put their heart and soul into caring for kids, and who actually take time out of their busy schedule to read these posts. I take this writing seriously, and hope you find them worthwhile. God bless.
Watch Dr. Carosso on ABC's Good Morning America tomorrow (Wed, August 24th) for an interview on parents sleeping with their children. Should be a good one.
Written by Dr. Carosso
Why is it that some show resilience and bounce-back from bouts of depression, anxiety, and terrible life circumstances, while others continue to struggle? That’s an age-old question with no easy answers, but there are some factors that count. Lets take a look:
Impervious insight
It’s vital to recognize that we have a problem, a realistic sense from where our problem originates, and that our problem needs to somehow be managed. Those who have such an understanding (insight) are usually more motivated to take responsibility for their problem and make changes. Oh, that reminds me of the next factor…
Miraculous motivation
It’s vital to want change, and be willing to move toward altering one’s lifestyle to live in a healthier fashion. Those who are motivated are, by definition, more energized and focused.
Maximum extraction
It’s amazing how some people, no matter how horrible their situation, find ways to compensate, rebound, and rise above their circumstances. I’ve seen this capacity in adults and kids alike. Some refer to this as the ‘ability to extract’ that refers to the ability to pull, from one’s environment, the strength and fortitude to move forward. These heroic individuals are able to extract strength from any healthy person with whom they have contact (a coach, neighbor, teacher, relative…); they see their glass as half-full, and see the silver linings in the darkest of clouds. God has blessed these people with such a capacity, and they ultimately move forward, and prove to be a blessing to others.
Heavenly help
Resilient individuals have a broader, more meaningful perspective of the world, above their own personal problems. I’ve worked with a host of children who gain substantial comfort from knowing they’re not alone and that the Almighty Creator, who has the universe in His hands, won’t let go of theirs.
Ask and you shall receive
Those who bounce-back find somebody to bounce off of. They recognize that they need help, and that two can accomplish more than twice as much as one. They ask for help; could be from a friend, relative, teacher, or neighbor, but sometimes it needs to come from a professional, and they’re okay with that. Resilient people seek the counsel of others, and remain open to guidance.
The family factor
Of course, it’s easier to ask for help if you feel you have a supportive family. However, those who fare better have families members who have good personal boundaries (mind their own business but are available when needed), avoid undue drama, and are loyal.
From where, and how do I instill?
You may be asking ‘how do I get these qualities?’ or ‘how do I instill these attributes into my children’? I’ll elaborate on those questions in future posts. In the meantime, keep in mind that these factors are simply ‘mind-sets’; that you can choose to embrace at any time. Moreover, daily you teach your kids these qualities by how you handle problems. However, it’s less by what you say, and more by what you do. Remember the old saying ‘what you do speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you say.’
God bless. If you found this helpful, feel free to forward to a friend.
Written by Dr. Carosso
Sorry to mention it, but…
Don’t hate the messenger but, yes, it’s about that time to start thinking about ‘back to school’. I shudder even writing those words given the implication of summer coming to an end.
Summer vs School Routine
Need I mention the difference between summer and school-year routines? If you start about 3-weeks out, it’s much easier to ship your child into shape. Otherwise, it’s a culture-shock for your child, and not too pleasant for you either.
What to do:
http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/community-connections/back-school-its-transition-time
For all kids
Keep these tips in mind, and they’ll work well for both your typical and special-needs children.
If you have any other tips, please comment; it’ll be appreciated. God bless and enjoy the rest of the summer!
Written by Dr. Carosso
The Challenge
In my work with parents, it’s all too common to hear the concern that their child, with high functioning Autism/Asperger’s, initially tends to ‘fit-in’ but, invariably, peers begin to notice peculiar tendencies, and social immaturity, and then shy away from their child. Of course, this causes distress, sadness, and frustration for everyone involved.
The Dilemma
Parents want to promote their child’s independence, and give them opportunities to socialize. Consequently, they’ll let their children play in the neighborhood, or participate in a sport or activity. However, again, invariably there are problems and the child feels distressed.
The Answer
It is vital and necessary to encourage social opportunities for children with high functioning Autism and Asperger’s. The key is to “success” is four-fold:
1.) Provide ongoing, child-friendly, rehearsal of social skills, and preparation for the social encounter.
2.) Monitor the social situation. The ‘monitoring’ is done by an adult who is familiar with the child, understands the potential problems, and is instructed how to intervene. This could be the parent, neighbor, coach, youth pastor, cafeteria aide, teacher, teacher’s aide, family friend, relative, babysitter, librarian, camp counselor, TSS, Mobile Therapist… Actually, it could also include an older sibling or peer, if mature and trustworthy in that regard. The adult does not necessarily need to be well-trained, but simply have an understanding of what may ‘not go so well’ and some simple steps on how to respond. In that regard, it’s likely unwise to simply send-off the child to the social encounter with expectation that ‘all will go well.’ Structure and over-sight is imperative.
3.) Group-oriented social skill training. However, it can be quite challenging for a parent to find the proper social group for their child with Asperger’s. These high functioning kiddos, whose symptoms are often mild, don’t fit-in so well with children struggling with more severe autism. Groups for such children, especially those with very subtle symptoms, are not especially abundant. Here at Community Psychiatric Centers, we put together group therapy sessions for just these type of children. However, otherwise, the pickings remain slim. Consequently, we must rely heavily on social gatherings with typical peers, but with adult oversight.
4.) To the extent possible, instruct and help peers to be compassionate, empathetic, and tolerant. Many kids will rise to the occasion, if given some direction and information.
The Bottom Line
Your child with Asperger’s needs to be monitored, when possible, in a social setting. Reinforce good social skills, and gently and tactfully redirect peculiar tendencies. Don’t leave it to chance. Educate adults who will be present during the encounter on what to ‘look out for’, and inform of simply ways to intervene. That is the recipe for success.
Please let me know your success stories and how they came about. Thank you. God bless.
Written by Dr. Carosso
Lets set the scene:
You get into an argument with your spouse. You know your point is valid but you’re having trouble getting your mate to acknowledge your view; instead, he just wants to “move on” and “forget about it.” So, he tries to change the subject and you’re left feeling unheard and misunderstood. You’re simply not ready to “move on” and you feel ‘stuck’ and frustrated. As you're stewing over the problem, you think that, if only your point of view was acknowledged, even in disagreement, you’d feel more at-ease and prepared to move-on. Well, the same thing happens every time you want to “move on” past your child’s disappointment, frustration, anger, or problem.
Scene II:
Okay, here’s the next scenario: your child complains that he doesn't want to stop playing that new video game you just purchased for him, to empty the trash. You abruptly respond, in irritated fashion, for him to follow your direction “NOW” and ignore his obvious frustration.
Reflection to avoid rejection
Okay, I know what you're thinking; there are situations when there is simply no time for discussing the matter; nevertheless, you may find that, just as with your prior argument with your spouse, that a simple and quick ‘reflective’ comment, acknowledging your child’s feelings, would help him to more quickly move beyond his feelings and carry-out the assigned task.
For example, a comment such as “I understand it’s frustrating to be taken away from your new game. After you finish the chore you can return to playing” may prove to be quite helpful. Feeling ‘heard’ is extraordinarily powerful; it bolsters a sense of comfort and then allows for moving beyond, and past, the problem at hand.
The Alternative?
Otherwise, we tend to feel ‘stuck’ in the argument. Reflective listening is vital in all relationships, for issues that are both pleasant (“you're really happy you got an A on that test, you worked so hard…”) and not to pleasant (“you feel sad that your friend didn’t show-up, that can be disappointing”). In regards to this latter situation regarding the friend not showing up, the child will sense his feelings were acknowledged and more likely be willing to move forward to problem-solving, e.g. “why don’t you call your friend Timothy and see if he wants to come over instead.” In the absence of reflective listening, there is a tendency for your child to become argumentative (“I’m not calling Timmy, I wanted Jim to be here…”).
Spread the reflections:
You can more readily avoid such conflicts with your child, and with any other person in your life, by listening for, and acknowledging, their feelings. Try it; you may find yourself feeling happier too.
Feel free to comment forward to a friend:) God bless
Written by Dr. John Carosso
I am often asked, “does my child have dyslexia.” A follow-up question usually pertains to what exactly is “dyslexia” and what can a parent do to help. Here’s what you need to know:
‘Dyslexia’ vs a ‘Learning Disability’
Dyslexia (disorder of reading) and Dysgraphia (disorder of writing) are two conditions that are often labeled by school districts, more generally, as a “learning disability”. In fact, over 90% of students classified as having a ‘Specific Learning Disability’ (and given an IEP) are classified as such because they have some form of dyslexia.
Like father, like son
These conditions are almost always inherited (that’s right kids, don’t say your parents never gave you anything) and can greatly interfere with a child’s ability to make progress in school.
More than just a reading disorder
Dyslexia is actually a problem with the processing of language; kids have difficulty processing the sequence of sounds that comprise spoken words. Consequently, you get words like “psghetti” and “amninal.” Interesting, these kiddos genuinely don’t ‘hear’ themselves saying the words incorrectly so it’s difficult for them to self-correct. Moreover, they also struggle with visually processing the specific sounds. Consequently, they may read “gut” for “glut” and so on.
The foundation of treatment
All of the effective strategies are based in a ‘multi-sensory’ approach that incorporates, in the learning process, visual, auditory, and kinesthetic.
In that respect, a child may be shown the word, asked to say the word, hear it spoken by the teacher, write the word on paper, and write the word or letter (using his finger) on a rough surface. Consequently, the child is receiving varied feedback (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) regarding how that word looks, sounds, feels, and is written.
Kinesthetic tends to be especially important (once you learn how to ride a bike, you never forget…)
The Orton-Gillingham approach is commonly used, and incorporates this multi-sensory approach.
What you can do
Here are some considerations:
Read to your child daily, assuming that the person reading to the child is a good reader and can clearly and accurately pronounce the letters and words. In that regard, there’s no sense in confusing the child further. Books on tape can be helpful otherwise and Kindle is becoming popular (read-aloud option)
Two second rule
When reading to your child and taking turns, use the ‘two second rule’. When your child struggles, wait two seconds, then quickly pronounce the word for your child and move-on with the reading. Otherwise, the reading experience becomes burdensome, boring, and your child will resist. Moreover, basic reading passages have lots of repetition of words, so you’ll re-encounter that word soon enough.
Practice makes perfect
Practice writing by tracing and progressively moving to free-hand. Tracing and writing of problem letters (b’s, p’s, d’s…) is helpful. There are also various helpful tricks (“bed” featuring a picture of two people - pictured as the ‘b’ and ‘d’ - holding between them an ‘e’ on which a person is sleeping…).
“Those letters are jumping around…”
Use off-white paper or background with larger-size (14 pt or more) comic sans font to reduce the letters appearing to “move around on the page” (a common complaint from kids struggling with dyslexia).
Technology is our friend
Practice phonics on-line; simply google “free phonics games” and plenty of sites will be available for daily, fun-filled practice. There are also inexpensive ‘apps’ that can be downloaded. I also refer parents to any number of commercial software products that provide comprehensive instruction, in a child-friendly manner, on the computer.
Get our Dyslexia Packet free of charge
Simply email me at jcarosso@cpcwecare.com and ask for our Dyslexia Packet that outlines these strategies, helpful websites, websites addresses for software, and a host of other treatment options.
What to do in the meantime
Parents often ask how their child can manage during the time they’re receiving support at school, but not yet showing marked improvement, and therefore still struggling in completing assignments. I’ll cover those very helpful tips in my next post. Stay tuned.
Lets hear from you
Please comment on what you’ve found to be helpful for your child. Also, if you found this helpful, please forward to a friend. Thanks.
Written by Dr. Carosso
Every so often we get a review of research that tries to shed some light. Three government funded studies, published in Pediatrics, is the latest in that regard. Lets take a look:
Three targets
The researchers looked at meds, behavioral interventions and, for some reason, Secretin (it’s long been recognized that Secretin doesn’t work, not sure why they wasted time with that).
Medications
It’s long-since been established that meds don’t “cure” autism but treat symptoms, which can be helpful for some children. For example, the study indicates that Ability and Risperdal can decrease irritability, crying, hyperactivity, and noncompliance. However, side effects, especially with long-term use, can be troubling.
Behavioral Interventions
Behavioral strategies are undoubtedly effective for all kids with autism. There is a host of studies suggesting that discrete trial and other interventions, relying on Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA), improve children’s IQ, language, and social skills. The question, however, is how much any given child benefits? In fact, it’s disheartening to note how much we don’t know about the traditional interventions based in ABA, early intervention programs, and parent-training models. Upon the researcher’s analysis of the years of past research, they found the results biased and flawed. Moreover, generalizing any finding is challenging given the wide range of functioning demonstrated by kids on the spectrum, i.e. two children may both be diagnosed with PDD, but present very differently. Not to mention factoring-in the cost-benefit ratio; Lovaas found his discrete trial methods were very effective, but at 30 hours per week of individualized attention, which can cost tens of thousands of dollars per year. These days, trying to persuade any insurance company to pay for that is an uphill battle.
We are what we eat?
In a separate set of analyses, there is more evidence that we can “let food to be thy medicine” (Hippocrates). It only stands to reason; what we put in our bodies affects every aspect of our functioning. Would you put water in your car’s gas tank? It’s well known that children with autism tend to have nutritional deficiencies, gut problems, and food allergies. Upwards of 69% of parents report positive outcomes from dietary regimens including going gluten and casein free. Yes, these surveys can be quite biased, but my own clinical experience suggests they’re not far off.
Just when you thought it was safe to vaccinate…
To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? I wonder if this debate will ever end? I think it continues because it is difficult for parents, and practitioners, to not have some intuitive inclination that putting a bunch of chemicals in an infant can possibly cause some problems. We first hear that it’s harmless, then later that it does cause problems, then an onslaught from the medical community that it does not. Helen Ratajczak now tells us, in the Journal of Immunotoxicology (“Theoretical Aspects of Autism: Causes – A Review”) that “documented causes of autism include genetic mutations and/or deletions, viral infections, and encephalitis (brain damage) following vaccination” especially due to an ever-increasing number of vaccines given to an infant over a short period of time. Of course, critics suggest that her review is of theories, not science, so the saga continues. However, as I have blogged before, it’s encouraging that pediatricians are more prone to space-out the vaccinations.
Where does that leave us?
It leaves us where we usually find ourselves especially with any research related to social “science” or psychology; in the dark. Consequently, we have to rely on clinical experience and anecdotal evidence, which leads to a multi-faceted approach using strategies based in applied behavioral analysis including discrete trial and verbal behavior; social-based interventions including floor-time; psycho-educational pursuits whereby parents are taught how to intervene; beginning treatment with children as young as possible; modifying diet accordingly, and closely assessing the child’s response. That’s why data collection is vital; how else are we to know if the intervention is working? Fortunately, in spite of the ‘darkness’, with a diverse approach focused primarily on the fundamentals of ABA, and an open mind to trying new things, daily I see children’s improved eye contact, communication, play, and social interactions, and the accompanying smiles and happiness from parents and kids alike. So, hang in there, keep fighting the good fight, pay close attention to results (i.e. your child’s improvement) and then you can rest-assured that what you’re doing is effective, and that your child is benefiting. God bless.
Feel free to comment, and forward to a friend. Thanks.
Written by Dr. Robert A. Lowenstein MD
Bullying at school has become a major source of anxiety and trauma for many children in school. Going to school on the bus, eating in the lunchroom, or simply walking school hallways has become a time of pain and suffering for too many of our children. In severe instances, it even has led to children committing suicide.
Here are some tips parents can use to counter this experience:
Written by Dr. Carosso
I was perusing a recent Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin and came across a research article that caught my attention. I think it will catch your attention too.
The research:
In the article, researchers found that when people were provoked by somebody, they were less angry and much quicker to calm when they spent a few minutes praying to God, compared to those who used other coping methods (thinking about a person or other distraction methods).
Not even close
In comparing the results for the two groups (praying vs non-praying), it wasn’t even close. Those who briefly prayed were much calmer and felt better about the situation than those who did not. Similar outcomes were seen in four separate trials and, in every instance, the results were significant when compared to those who did not pray. It didn’t matter if the person rated themselves as devout or not; they calmed quicker just the same. Most identified themselves as Christian, but not all.
Not too surprising
I imagine God isn’t too surprised by these results; He’s been telling us for quite some time to pray when we’re troubled or distressed (James 5:13). We shouldn’t be surprised either. However, it’s always nice when the “scientific” supports the spiritual. However, one of the researchers explained the outcome in a manner discounting the spiritual; but we know better;)
Practice makes perfect
Many of you have particular prayer-times for your kids (before bedtime, before sending your kids off to school, saying Grace before dinner…), which I trust you've found to be meaningful and helpful. How about also incorporating prayer into your daily arsenal to combat arguments and conflict? You may want to practice with your child to use prayer to calm, feel more in control, and tap-into a source of comfort and guidance.
Pray for your “enemies”?
The research was also compelling in that the prayer was directed toward helping another person. It’s especially useful to teach our kids (and remind ourselves) to move away from self-absorbed anger and focus on helping those in need, including the person doing the provoking. Okay, I know, kids may not be too enthusiastic about that last part, but it’ll grow on them.
The Enhancer
Of course, a brief prayer doesn’t replace conflict-resolution, it enhances it. It’s easier for your child, after a prayer and feeling a bit calmer, to talk about a peer bothering him at school and figure out a game-plan.
Give it a go
Try it and let me know how it works for you and your kids. I’ve done this with my kids and have seen, first hand, how this can be helpful.
That reminds me
By the way, this article reminded me of a post I wrote last year. I reprinted it below (Spirituality: Father knows Best). Feel free to check it out; I hope you find it worthwhile.
Spirituality: Father Knows Best
Written by Dr. John Carosso
Wouldn’t it be nice to be omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent, especially when it comes to caring for your kids? Well, you’ll never be any of those things, but you can introduce your child to someone who is. Imagine how comforting and reassuring for your child to know, during times of good and bad, that he or she is being watched-over, protected, helped, comforted, and that he is part of a larger, heavenly clan of his Father, brothers, and sisters. I have seen time and time again: children with a spiritual sense tend to have a stronger conscience, are easier to comfort, and have a better understanding and sense of purpose and meaning in their life. Parent can pull from the Bible to teach and help their child to understand about morality, compassion, love, the destructiveness of sin, and how stay on the ‘straight and narrow’. I can say, first-hand, that having a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father is rewarding beyond words, and I relish sharing Him with my kids and watching them grow in their spiritual relationship. I strongly suggest that you take advantage of developing, within your child (and why not within yourself too?) a strong spiritual life, based in a loving relationship with God. Otherwise, you lose access to an invaluable anchor and rudder that can be the utmost guiding force for good and joy. God bless. Feel free to comment and forward to a friend.
