Written by Dr. John Carosso
God bless and enjoy the rest of the summer
Written by Dr. John Carosso, Psy.D.
I know it’s only April, but you and I both know that summer recess will be here before ya know it, so best to start planning and preparing now. There is lots to think about, and would hate to have you awaken that fateful day in early June with the incessant “I’m bored”, or loud screaming that typically accompanies siblings being home together all day. Oh, the joys of summer.
I know it may sound a bit OCD-ish, but a very effective way to plan for the summer, and to get every drop of fun you can, is to get a calendar and plan the entire summer week-by-week, if not day-by-day. You may have some day and week-long camps that you can easily plug-in; the annual summer vacation to the beach or Disney, your kid’s sporting events, the trip to Aunt Rhoda’s… Once you have those regular events scheduled, you can start getting creative. Oh, by the way, if your child has special needs, contact the Park (Disney…) ahead of time to request a pass to avoid long wait-times.
Yea, creative. I’ll bet your family has a bucket-list of fun and ‘different’ things you all would like to do, but haven’t. Often, we don’t do fun things because we don’t plan for them. So, plan for them and get that small flower garden planted, bake some cookies, go camping in the backyard, go on that day-trip to Gettysburg, project a movie on your garage door and have a homemade drive-in, do some star-gazing, start an annual neighborhood kickball tournament and, of course, can’t forget about getting a net (not a wiffle bat) and catching lightening bugs.
You may include some things in the summer agenda that aren’t necessarily fun, but are definitely worthwhile. Summer is an excellent time to get your kids boned-up on things such as math, writing skills, or reading. In fact, if your child has special education services, talk to the Principal now about whether your child qualifies for Extended School Year (ESY). Also, teach the kiddos how to do various chores around the house (how to wash the family car…) or do a family project such as cleaning out that garage. In fact, sometimes those ‘chores’, if done as a family, can be quite a bonding experience especially when the final outcome (a really clean and organized garage) is achieved by everyone’s hard work. If your child is on the spectrum, the summer can be a time you may be a bit more indulgent in your child’s obsessive interests (sharks, star wars…) but only after nonpreferred is done, and don’t overindulge. Also, in the same vein, there can be a tendency to isolate and avoid social encounters; be sure to incorporate supervised social encounters into the calendar, and you may find it helpful to plan trips to the zoo, local library, autism-friendly theatre, and bookstore. Also, don’t forget, for all kiddos, daily running around and lots of physical activity.
Babysitters and childcare tends to get filled-up pretty quick, so don’t delay in connecting with that local teenager who does a great job with your kids, or that daycare provider who comes highly recommended by your friends. Reserve the spots and make deposits, based on that schedule mentioned earlier. Also, start now to reserve spots for summer camps; they fill-up very quickly. If your child has special needs and will be attending a therapeutic camp, call your child’s casemanager for an updated list of camps, and contact your child’s psychologist to obtain a current prescription. If you want to enroll your special needs child into a typical camp or activity, and believe he’ll need individualized attention, you may be able to obtain wraparound services (Therapeutic Staff Support) to provide such attention. Contact this psychologist to further discuss this option.
Summer is time for relaxation, being ‘laid back’, and being more flexible and free-flowing. However, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Maintaining some semblance of routine can be helpful, especially if it involves getting past the less favored tasks (chores, academics) to move-on to more fun, sun-filled activities. If your child has special needs, then maintaining a consistent routine is even more important. In fact, be sure he knows about the schedule, what to expect, and answer any questions ahead of time. A picture schedule is also advised.
I hate to write of the summer ending when it hasn’t even begun, but keep in mind the importance of getting more and more into a school routine as the summer comes to a close. The last week of summer should be very close to the school routine in terms of bedtime and wake-up.
1. Relationship, Relationship, and more Relationship.
If you don’t have a fun-loving and enjoyable relationship with your child, then you’re in for a really tough time. The goal is that your child wants to follow your directions, and wants a happy and harmonious home-life and, consequently, is more willing to comply.
2. A calm approach.
If you’re relying on emotion; yelling, fussing, and carrying-on to get your child to comply, then you’re undoubtedly frustrated and annoyed. Instead, no matter how you feel inside, stay calm and unemotional. Your child will perceive you as stronger, more ‘together’, and in-control, all of which will get his or her attention, in a good way.
3. Use as few words as possible.
Pestering will get you nowhere, except to feeling ineffectual and worn-out.
4. Rely on consequences, not pestering.
Instead of using lots of words, rely on firm and consistent consequences. I prefer time-out to the child’s room because it’s easy to implement, time-limited, and effective. However, loss of privilege is also a useful option.
5. Praise, then praise some more.
If you want to see more of something, lavishly praise it.
I hope you find these top 5 to be helpful for you as well. Okay, they’re not exactly “easy” but they can lead to a much easier time with your kids. I imagine you have questions about how to make them work; feel free to email me at jcarosso@cpcwecare.com, and don’t forget to check our helpful videos, which provide helpful insights into all these matters, at appletreeinstitute.com. See you next time.
I know you want your child to be smart, earn good grades, and achieve lots of academic success. It’s wonderful to see that ‘A’ on the report card, and it makes you feel proud and encouraged for your child’s future. I have lots of talks with parents about how to improve their child’s academic achievement, and these discussions are necessary and worthwhile. However, as I leave church this morning, I can’t help but think that there is something more. As much as I want my kids to be smart and achieve, even more I want them to be wise. I want them to make good decisions, and live a good life.
We want our kids to be smart, but does that mean they’ll be wise too? If a child gets good grades, will they also make good decisions in their life? That’s a tough one. Research has shown that smart people tend to be more “successful”. However, is it always a sure bet that they’re wiser? There are lots of smart people in jail. As a psychologist, I also know that there are lots of smart people who are not especially happy. I also know that there a lot of less-than-brilliant people who are really happy, and not in jail. So, guess it’s safe to say that smart doesn’t equal wise.
What’s the different between being smart and being wise? Smart people may have a high IQ, but wise people make good decisions. They know when to say no. That begs the question: what are “good decisions?” I suppose they are choices that keep us out of trouble, help and bring us closer to others, and benefit our lives and the lives of others. The more we do such things, the happier and more content we’ll be, don’t ya think?
We can read from the book of Proverbs (the “manual for living”), that God cherishes wisdom more than smarts and has helped to “keep us from making wrong turns or following the bad direction.” Am I saying that wisdom comes from our relationship with God; well, yea, I am. It’s hard, otherwise, to learn right from wrong, and stay strong to do what’s right.
Okay, back to where we started; you want your child to be smart and earn good grades. However, you also want your child to be make good decisions, have good and healthy interpersonal boundaries and relationships, not make a wreck of their lives, help others, and be as joyful as possible despite inevitable trials and tribulations. Given that these things have such strong moral under-pinnings, it’s difficult to remove them from the spiritual. I think that’s why we, as parents, go to such great lengths to get our kids to Church, Sunday School, Mass, Synagogue, Temple, Mosque, or wherever you go to get closer to God. We intuitively know that the closer our child is to knowing and understanding God, the more likely he or she is to make better choices. We also remember the motto, ‘what you do speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you say’, so we work extra hard to model, for our children, a virtuous life.
To sum it up, I’ll be happy if both my kids earn straight A’s, are valedictorians, go to medical school, and find a cure for cancer.
However, I’ll be positively thrilled if they, quite simply, are wise.
How about you?
I’ve had quite a few kids in my office, as of late, struggling with separation anxiety and having a hard time getting to school. Maybe you’ve had a similar experience struggling through the morning routine, with your child fussing and wanting to stay home. I hope your kids have navigated this transition without undue difficulty. However, my kiddo, Nico, was not so fortunate. Much to his chagrin, when he started Kindergarten in public school and faced the separation process; well, it didn’t go so well. Our mornings were replete with his crying, clinging to his mother’s leg, making a run for it, and exclaiming his desire to “skip” Kindergarten.
Of course, as a child psychologist, I’ve had to deal with this problem countless times. I knew what to do; but it sure can be tough to do it. How hard is it to see your child suffer? It’s our first impulse to ‘do something’, and give-in, to remedy the problem and see our child smile again, as quickly as possible.
It was therefore tempting to simply send my son back to his small, nurturing private school with only a handful of classmates. I’ve talked to parents who have been equally tempted to home or cyber-school. I appreciate, now more than ever, their inclination to do so. It’s tortuous to see our kids struggle.
The answer was to compel Nico to face his fears. Despite the impulse to do otherwise and simply wait (hope) for maturity, there was no guarantee that time would solve this problem. I reminded myself of having worked with High School students who continued to struggle with school refusal due to anxiety. So, rather than capitulate, we remained firm and provided some accommodations. Nico was given ongoing encouragement, calming strategies, was driven to school (at first), the Guidance Counselor met him to walk to class, and he was given extra attention from the classroom teacher. We faded these strategies and he improved over the course of the year. However, even to this day, at times he’s less than thrilled about attending school, but it’s nothing like it used to be.
The motto for anxiety disorders is ‘face your fears’; and it’s the most effective avenue for overcoming such problems. However, the key question is how, when, and how much fear we face at any given time. Sometimes we need to face the fear all at once; but sometimes gradually. It all depends on the severity of the fear, and the child’s response to ‘facing’ the fear. Nevertheless, either way, the goal is always a progressive and unrelenting pursuit of facing the fear.
Children who struggle with separation anxiety tend, by their very nature, to be more sensitive, anxious, and uptight about other things, and such often carries-on throughout life. However, while excessive anxiety may surface now and then, the key is to teach coping strategies to learn how to manage the fear so that they control it, rather than the anxiety controlling them; and this learning can be effectively used for the rest of their lives.
I trust you’ll find this post to be helpful, and please don’t hesitate to email me about any ongoing anxiety problems. God bless and happy separating.
Written by Dr. John Carosso
Written By Dr. John Carosso
It's a tradition to run this post for the Holiday; hope you enjoy it, and wishing you and yours a blessed Christmas and Holiday Season.
As a psychologist, I’m expected to talk about traditional and clinically-relevant approaches to help kids, and parents, work through difficulties. This of course would include helping people to think in more reasonable ways (cognitive therapy), behave in ways that are productive and healthy (behavioral approaches), be emphatic (Rogerian techniques), stay in-the-moment (Gestalt), incorporate the family (systems approach), and use praise in systematic ways (Applied Behavioral Analysis). (more…)
Recent Research
Findings out of the Institute of Child Development and Human Capital Research Collaborative (say that three times real fast) at the University of Minnesota found that kids who were involved in full-day preschool ended-up being more prepared for Kindergarten than those kiddos who went half-day. As per the reported highlights of the study, the former had better scores in math, language, socio-emotional development and physical health tests. The headlines might make a parent think they need to immediately enroll their 3 year-old in a full-day preschool program. Think again. (more…)
It's your turn
Please let me know what topic(s) you'd like me to cover in upcoming blog posts, or questions you have about how to manage a particular situation with your child, or anything about kids you've been wondering about and want more explanation. (more…)
Why do kids get depressed?
I work as a child psychologist, so obviously I come across quite a number kids struggling with feeling ‘down’ and with low self-esteem. There are common themes to this problem, and common causes. In many cases, there is long-standing genetic predisposition to the disorder (depression ‘runs in the family’) and the child is subsequently more vulnerable to bouts of sadness and being ‘down in the dumps.’ In other situations, there has been loss and strife in the child’s life, and they’re reacting as would mostly anyone. Finally, some kids have both components (heredity and tough environmental situations) that contribute to the problem. (more…)
Given all the recent news regarding spanking and using a 'switch' to "teach children a lesson", I thought it would be a good time to revisit one of my earlier posts on this subject. Please pass it along:
Does Spanking Work?
Okay, as a professional I'm supposed to tell you that corporal punishment (spanking) is a no-no and you shouldn’t do it. I’m supposed to tell you that it’s ineffective and simply does not work. Well, I’m not going to tell you that; or at least not that it doesn’t work. Think of it this way, I imagine most of you men (If any men actually read this blog) would think twice before crossing a guy three times your size. Well, likewise, your kiddo isn’t stupid and realizes when he’s been out-gunned; which is why spanking "works". (more…)
